Giving up my vices... the hell of rehab.

Some people snort coke. Have cute names for it too.. snow, blow....
Some people drink themselves silly. They're fun at parties.
Some people find themselves addicted to sex, fetishes, video games...

They have cool stories of their road to recovery. They wear their addictions like badges of honor...war heroes in their battles of self destruction.

I'm not that cool. I'm a worrier and a guilt hoarder. They don't have a group for that.

So I started my own 12 steps....ok.. it's just one right now but it's a start. This month, September 2010, I am not allowed to wallow in worry or doubt. Not at all. Cold turkey. I jokingly told my husband that I thought it was kind of like an addiction. I jokingly said it might be hard to not be negative.

 Two days in... it's not a joke. I am an addict. It's amazing how much time I devote to it. It's become second nature to me... more than breathing. If I'm not worrying about something, I'm feeling guilty about not worrying about it. It's a crutch and a debilitating one at that. I just never knew how much of my life has become devoted to it...till I made a point to acknowledge it.  I bet that's what's eating up my motivation and energy.

So now it's rehab for me. I am determined to kick the habit. But how do you kick the habit when the habit is in your head? You can choose to not buy a drug or alcohol. You can choose to stay away from sex...especially when you need someone else to do it. But this is all me. It's like biting my nails. The worry is readily available night and day and attached to me like cancer.

And it's a clever little shit too...it seems innocuous at first... oh, did I remember to do this?...oh, shit! Did I remember this other thing.... no?... so why did I forget? What's wrong with me?  What can I do to not forget again? What if I forget this other thing? Doesn't that make me a bad wife, mother, daughter etc...?

So it's got to stop.

And I think it's a perfect blog thing. I'll bet I'm not the only one. Anyone want to join me? One month sans worries... sans guilt? Think you can do it? I wonder...

Let me know how that works for you.

Maybe we'll have to start a group.