It started slow... and until my pregnancy, it had been a gradual decline. First a blurry right eye, then a temporary flare of weakness in my right arm. Then, after a back injury, pain. At first it was easy to attribute to my accident ( a work thing that laid me up for awhile). I thought it was just me being a wuss. Eventually it became chronic back pain that I lived with... silently sapping my energy at times but at least ignorable.
Then the other symptoms starting piling on. Little by little weird sensations were cutting into my daily life.
And the pain increased. And then depression. Finally I went to the doctor's again when I had insurance. Then it got scary... they thought I had a brain tumor.... then MS.... then there was talk of Fibromyalgia.... then... no insurance....
Then we moved.
By the time I got to Seattle, 4 years ago, I was frantically searching the net for help. Then it subsided for awhile.
Enter pregnancy. Holy shit.
For those of you that have given birth....this pain...it's akin to permanent labor at times. It's everywhere now... my neck, back, hips, knees, arms, legs and wrists. And the symptoms list grows...
- Right eye blurriness (like looking through wavy glass, bluer, double vision on text)
- Pain in the following (Intermittently stabbing, burning, and like a toothache):
- Eye
- Headaches
- Back of head
- Neck & Shoulders
- Upper, Lower and Mid Back
- Upper Torso above breasts
- Top of lower back left and right rib cage
- Hips (they also stiff and lock at times)
- Pelvis (on tail bone and in sciatica)
- Legs (tight like pulled muscles to sharp like small animal bites)
- Knees (outside, inside, and on the bottom front)
- Carpal Tunnel-Left and Right (mostly right) shoulder, arm, wrist
- Bone pain... this dull horrible sensation like my bones are all rubbing together
- Fatigue (not tired... like fall over, can't get out of bed fatigue)
- Insomnia
- Mental confusion and memory loss
- Feeling of being in a mental fog
- Headaches
- Left ear slightly diminished
- Tingling in face(like tv static)
- Glands in neck, legs, armpit and jawline flare for no particular reason.
- Low grade fever
- Hot and cold flares (hot like I turn on the air conditioner in December, cold in extremities, and bone cold)
- Lately nausea is new but I can't tell if that's just a reaction to the pain.
- Depression
- Anxiety... or more like a feeling of uncomfortable energy in my body
- Internal shaking feeling
- Weird heart feelings...(like I can't stop noticing my heart (feels funny) which also contributes to the insomnia)
- Spasticity in legs
- Stiffness in muscle
- Restless leg syndrome
- Sensitivity to light, sound, and touch
- Dizziness/Lightheadedness
- Itching (mostly head when it strikes but it can also be feet and all over... like bugs under my skin)
- Right arm weakness ( no fine motor movements/ can't feed myself or write)
- Weakness in legs (have to work to remind my body how to walk)
And as if this isn't enough.... the doctor's still look at me funny when I want painkillers. It's enough to make me want to scream. If they could spend one day in my body, I bet they would never question me again. I know they see tons of people trolling for drugs... I know they want to make sure I don't become an addict... but until they have an alternative for me.... until they can find out what the fuck is actually wrong with me.... just let me have some relief. It's bad enough I have to live with this, looking normal and lazy, but feeling awful. It's bad enough that I have to stand by and watch my family have fun without me cause I can't run around with the pain. It's bad enough that I'm gaining weight cause it hurts too much to exercise. It's bad enough that I can barely work or paint or do anything I love without pain and fatigue as my constant companion. But to have even the medical community being so insensitive...it's just too much.
They seem overwhelmed and irritated at the large symptom list, as if I'm just being over sensitive. They still want to focus on one or two of the problems instead of seeing it as a whole. It's enough to make me want to freak out.
Isn't it bad enough to just be me right now?
